Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
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Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.