Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
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SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
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/Expectation:
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/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.