Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
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Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs