i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind