[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
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My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
#oldknees
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.