#oldknees
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Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking