#oldknees
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10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen