He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
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My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
socratic questions
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The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying