He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
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[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
hmm conte-me mais