Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
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I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.