Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
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cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.