Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
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Straight people are cancelled
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
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I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Cats are still liquid.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there