Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
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[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
No. He’s not coming out to play
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????