*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
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Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I’m confused about plants
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?