[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
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cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
That time Alicia messaged me
My dog after a walk in the woods.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
This kid is going places
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.