@ThoughtOtter [blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
@GrahamKritzer My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
@popartcartoonz And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
@WICKEDTRUTH01 Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
@JimmerThatisAll I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
@DemetriusHarmon BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
@AimeeHelene1 The French cow says MEUX…
@kittykaresless A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
@lisaxy424 *phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
@CunniLinguist77 When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
@ruslg1 50 shades of grey = my Liver