Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

Said the murderer.

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*