[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
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If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes