A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
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The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?