Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
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Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*