Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.