Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
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[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside