watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Hell yeah 馃憤
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 馃檨
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet