Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
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Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Bond. Trauma bond.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”