Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
You Might Also Like
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train