My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
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You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Still my favorite headline of all time:
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin