There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
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Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
#Caturday
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster