STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
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Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day