My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
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no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.