I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
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A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened