My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
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[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Otters see a butterfly.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it