The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
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kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Who says great literature is dead?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?