*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
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“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked