Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
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#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE