There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
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“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY