Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
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Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
According to math, I’m broke
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Monday?
No. Next question.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.