Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
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MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Breaking news:
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?