Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
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Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
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You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I just tested negative for patience.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Seems a bit forward
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.