OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
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Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”