road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
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We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Found the job I’m suited for
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more