The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
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Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
listen closely
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point