Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
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Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.