Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
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On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
time machine? you mean a clock?
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
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an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
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I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.