People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
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*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Two types of dogs.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Perfect.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.