[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
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Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
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A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
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do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.