OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
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Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Anything to declare?
Yes, I really miss my dog.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!