OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
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I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.