[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
You Might Also Like
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
seems fine
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.