Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
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Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
i choose….tongue
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Your honor these allegations are
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
The first one, obviously
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.