Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
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name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.