I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
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Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..