Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?![]()
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59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
@funTweeters
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Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
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Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”![]()
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it