Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
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Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Monica just destroyed the internet
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.