*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

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you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice


Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm


doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh


Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War


Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.


Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.


Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.



Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.


I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.


Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.