*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
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Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?