If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
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I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.