My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.