Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Yes, this is exactly right

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?