To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
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[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck