To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
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“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Yes, this is exactly right
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If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?