Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?