That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
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WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Just a reminder, folks:
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop