That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
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someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
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I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.