Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
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My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
WTF IS THAT!
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.