“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
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When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice