Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
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If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope