I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
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Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*