I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

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Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.


My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.


The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly


It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?


[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS


No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.


It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.


My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him


That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.