@ROTTENFEMUR

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

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@TravLeBlanc

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

@sara_ashlynn

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

@adrianmyreality

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

@JJSummertime

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

@mrjohndarby

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

@WhatevaConc

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

@Phlegmingway

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

@deloisivete

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

@MomofTeen

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.