Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
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Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not