Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
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I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
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If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…